Please revised my essay base on the comments that I got from a tutor. This will be my Final draft, so please do your best.
I think you need to re-write the thesis statement that make it more connect to the body paragraph. And the fourth paragraph kind of repeat what you wrote in the prior paragraph. Maybe you can cancel that paragraph, but I want to make sure this essay have more than 850 words.
However, some of the comments I think it is bias. For example, my teacher said you do a good job when you talk about racism. However, this tutor said it is not connect to your thesis. I have no idea, but i trust you.
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